She was my first real crush and I never thought much if it. I loved her friendship and I adored her as a person, both inside and out. I thought about her all the time, I embraced the smiles she bestowed on me and I just felt all warm and fuzzy.
Losing someone, no matter how it happens, hurts. We experience grief in a breakup from our lover, a fallout with our friends or even becoming distant from our family. Grief isn’t just about death.
Anxiety is a powerful thing. I know what’s realistic, I know what’s irrational and I know these are just thoughts; but anxiety doesn’t care about facts and ultimately, he’s got more power over me than cold hard facts.
“No matter who you are, or what your story is, pain, feelings, thoughts – they are all a part of being human.”
Writing here and now, I know that the world didn’t exclude me – and that my feelings of not belonging were unfounded. I now know that this was just a bunch of lies, festering in my mind because of a problem I had, and which I could not recognize as lies. A bunch of lies created by anorexia.
The honest truth is that at any point, we can make a change. We can start fresh and follow a new path. It’s all down to you. If we fall flat on our feel, we also have the option to stand up and try again, or turn back – neither have to be the wrong option.
When you grow up depressed and anxious your whole life, you don’t expect to make it this far. I never expected to become an adult. A birthday can become a chore when it’s just a reminder that you have existed for another year, when you really, really, don’t want too.
I don’t like the term ‘holiday blues’ as that makes it sound less valid, because mental illness is more than feeling ‘blue’ and it doesn’t just turn up for the holiday, sadly for many of us, it takes years or a lifetime to manage that black dog. But I do believe that the festive season can make you feel worse, mentally speaking.