Once again, I cleared myself off social media. I removed my accounts and contacts like I was detoxifying after a weekend away.
In my mind, I figure that people will soon notice that I am missing and they will get in contact.
I ask myself: Why don’t I have any friends?
I mean, in the movies, that always happens, they even go on manhunts, so why can I go awol for a week and not hear a word?
Why is my peaceful protest (the silent treatment) not being noticed?
I have this romanticization in my head, that tells me that my ‘friends’ do care (secretly), but sometimes they need something to remind them that, y’know, they can invite me out, or start a conversation once in a while.
Surely, when they figure I’m hurting, they will hunt me down and embrace me with so much love and support that I’ll never doubt again. I mean, mind reading is possible right?
But like the many times before, this is not the case. No one comes running. No one takes my cry for help serious. My fears of rejection, in this case, have become a reality, this time and many times before.
It’s 4am, I’ve not slept. It’s my fault really, caffeine after 3pm is a terrible idea.
With tears in my eyes, I am tossing turning. Trying to make sense of who I am and why it seems impossible for me to find anyone that cares.
All I want is a friend like I had when I was a child. Someone who makes just a little bit of effort, who cares about my existence and not for the wrong reasons.
My throat hurts, it feels like it’s been torn apart with daggers, and now I can’t breathe.
The thoughts get worse, they tell me that I should die. If I die now, people won’t even know until it’s published in the local news, or so I believe.
It’s an easy assumption, that you are not worth a thing.
Especially when you believe you are kind and giving, but are not met with the same response.
When you give your all for others but it is solemn returned. It wouldn’t make a difference in their lives if I was dead or not, right?
My irrational thoughts tell me that they are not giving me reasons to think otherwise.
It scares me, I’m terrified that all my progress in my mental health will be for nothing. As if my value varies on what others value me as. All of these thoughts, just because I want, need, a real friend.
It sounds silly to feel like this. When I feel like I want to die, or leave the country, just because my friends ignore my messages. Or because they are never the ones to message first or make plans; and they never, check if I am ok.
It’s not their fault I feel this way, I know that. It’s deeper and more personal.
Why do I care so much? Why do we all care so much about how many friends we have?
I wish I could be brave, wipe it off my shoulders and walk away. I constantly tell myself off for being so reliant on the love that people give me.
Maybe in this era of mass communication, we have just forgotten how to communicate.
Who has time to be treated like second best anyway? Right?
I tell myself this all the time. The truth though is that I do care. I want them in my life and I am sure as hell, I will always be there for them, even if they are never there for me.
I often wonder what it’s like to have proper friends. The ones that fit my definition of a friend. Because I have none, I’m just surrounded by acquaintances who pretend to care.
I dream of meaningful relationships, where I will have a friend who is always checking I’m okay because they know what I’m like; because they understand me.
My mind tells me that I can’t be asking for that much, not really.
Imagine having someone who will ask you for coffee because they miss you, or drag their ass out at 2am to your house because they are bored and want your company.
I crave that companionship, the platonic love that everyone deserves.
I suppose I blame myself. I must say the wrong things, do the wrong things. I see their faces, I can feel them getting annoyed at me. I suppose that’s why I find it so hard to make new friends.
I just don’t get why I deserve this. Do I deserve this? Something so basic in human nature and I seem to be a walking repellant. This is a thought that constantly swirls around my mind drain.
I guess at the end of the day I just want to be loved, valued. I want someone to want me in a way that is because they appreciate who I am as a person. I’m sick of being taken for granted, used or having my feelings toyed with.
I just want a friend. A real friend.
It’s funny that. The person who finds it so easy to push people away is so desperate to be loved; though we all are. Maybe this is all this is, am I pushing people away and I don’t know it?
Despite all of this, I will survive and I will carry on; I want to.
The advice for today? Even those of us who look like we have all the friends in the world. Even those of us who have a million followers. We can all feel unloved and unvalued.
Which is why it is so important to make those moments to connect, like properly connect with the people we care about. Start finding ways to spend time with your loved ones, in ways that you are both comfortable, keep that reminder going that you matter to each other.
We are never too busy for the people we love, not really.