Today we have a Guest Blog, Spela is an inspirational woman who has released her own book about her battle with anorexia. Here she talks about her battle:
Now it seems as if all this didn’t happen to me, and I am looking at the entire experience as just one of the many books I read, empathizing with the main character because they experienced something that you dare not imagine happening to you.
But one of these books is my book and my story about the challenge I faced. In this story, I couldn’t just empathize with the main character. I couldn’t just watch from a safe distance what will happen in the end. And I couldn’t just wait for a happy ever after.
This time, I was the one calling the shots, and it was all up to me whether or not the story would have a happy ending.
This story is about a nine-year struggle with anorexia. I have to emphasize that it is very hard to think about a happy end when you’re actually part of such a story.
Actually, it’s almost impossible to think about anything positive, as everything surrounding you is so very sad. Or to put it another way: people and the world around you is positive – you can see, even from a distance, that they’re happy.
You, on the other hand, unknowingly create a tiny world around yourself, not letting even a brief smile through.
Looking out from this tiny world is difficult. Looking at all those happy people who still have their whole lives ahead of them, and not even aware of this, is just another affirmation that you don’t belong anywhere. And you blame yourself. And you consequently punish yourself.
You’re convinced that you have to fix, improve yourself. Only then will you earn a chance to enter this big, smiling world. Because you alone are to blame for everything that is happening.
Writing here and now, I know that the world didn’t exclude me – and that my feelings of not belonging were unfounded. I now know that this was just a bunch of lies, festering in my mind because of a problem I had, and which I could not recognize as lies. A bunch of lies created by anorexia.
For nine years, I got up every morning thinking I don’t want to get up ever again, and then struggled and somehow fought to survive. During this time, my brain kept telling me, “You’re incompetent!”
“You’re not worth anything!” With every beat, my heart was screaming, “You should be in pain!”
“Suffer!” And then there was my body, crying, “I can’t take it anymore!”
No one can truly know how I felt. No one who hasn’t lived with anorexia can understand. When you have anorexia, you’re experiencing some new feelings that are impossible to explain to a healthy person.
Even though I was starving and do excessive physical exercise, I felt I would sooner suffocate than die due to malnutrition.
I’m not even sure what exactly I felt, but there were days when I couldn’t stand being in my own body. I thought I was about to go crazy! I could no longer control my strict routine.
I almost couldn’t convince myself to go running in the morning, I yearned for a strong meal, I wanted to go out with friends for a drink – or to even have any friends!
But anorexia held my mind in such a strong grip that I couldn’t even stop my routine. I was obsessed with my need to become perfect.
Exhausted as I was towards the end, I couldn’t even believe it anymore, that I’m
nearing happiness. But, again, I still couldn’t stop what I was doing. And all this confusion was suffocating me! If nothing had changed soon, my brain would explode!
And the story was being written all this time. A story that I made sure ended happily. I silenced my thoughts, drowned them in my shouts, “I rule!” I showed my heart how to love – which is all it knows today. And I finally started listening to my body.
Today, rather than force myself starve, I climb mountains and enjoy unforgettable views.
And so this experience became a story – my story. I put my pain on paper. And today I can live a life that each of us deserves.
Spela is an inspirational woman who has released her own book about her battle with anorexia. You can read about Spela’s book here and even get the first chapter free! Or you can follow her on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. You can support Spela’s book here.
Here Spela talks about her book: “Maybe it will help you write your own happy ever after. Believe me, you can get rid of this confusion in your mind as well. I know it’s hard to believe right now, especially because your whole world came crashing down and any effort might seem in vain..
..But it’s not! This is your life! You can’t let it slip through your fingers and just give up. This is an opportunity that you were given. An opportunity to become something, to be something. Let yourself grab this opportunity and find a way to rise to the top! Or at least let me show you that I’m not wrong.”