I never intended to make a name for myself or live outside of the shadows that I am all so used too.
Yet, here I am, lucky enough to spend every day and waking moment trying to use my platform to try to do good; to help others.
It still seems strange that in my very small town lifestyle, with few friends and family, that all it takes is a click of a button and I am connected to a world of people who I am starting to get to know and love.
I try to be open about who I am and my intentions, though it doesn’t stop the comments coming through that I may be a robot (so rude).
I don’t think I’d ever want to be false to the thousands of people who likely help me more than I help them; on a daily basis.
But I sometimes feel like a fraud, like I am showing the side of me that is way more aesthetically pleasing to others.
The truth is that a part of me worries that I will be judged, insecurities are only heightened by social media, it’s a domino effect of self-loathing to try to put yourself out there, just to be outshone but someone who seems to have it all together.
I want to be perfect but not for myself, for others – I’m sure I’m not alone in this.
Take Instagram for example, I don’t run my account as anything other than personal, it’s a tonne of pictures of myself, my dog and occasionally humans that decide to spend time with them.
You’d think that because it’s so personal, I wouldn’t worry so much about how it all looked. But that’s the thing, I’ll be taking at least a hundred photos before I find one I love and post; which I’ll only take down a few days later due to feeling repulsed by my own face.
All these photos are angled and I have makeup on, they are not real or in the moment, like the rest of the internet, they are staged. I wonder, if the smaller people like me on Instagram worry, what’s going on with all those Instagram models?
These photos are not the real me, they are a version of me that I want everyone to see, the one that will hopefully be accepted; it all ties back to that oh so pesky mental illness of mine.
A photo shows a snippet of a life, we shouldn’t be trying to change ourselves and our lives to mimic what is but a moment.
Even on Facebook, I’m the first to joke and laugh about memes that I can relate to, or make sarcastic comments (that’s just who I am).
But I’ll cover the fact that I am hurting inside and need a friend. I’ll just hope that someone I know is psychic and will come to my rescue, but the humans don’t work like that (or do they).
Why, when we have the ability to contact our loved ones with the click of a button, is it so hard to admit that we need them.
I think that, Twitter and my Blog are the places where I am the most honest, within reason. But I’ll still pretend like I am coping a lot better in my life, or doing better than I really am.
I’ll post some motivational quotes and sayings even when I’ve spent the last hour crying, I haven’t washed for a week and I’m bingeing the scraps left in my sweet tub.
If we are completely honest, how much of the internet, how much of anyone’s platform is really that honest?
Take anyone who is an influencer or a public figure, we have no idea what their life is really like and yet we still idolize them and strive to be who they are.
Maybe we should spend much less time filtering our lives, and stop giving this false perfection that just doesn’t exist.
If we normalize every aspect of our lives, then surely that would be of great comfort to so many others.
So, I’ll tell you this. While I will always be honest and candid in my writing, the chances are that I am not this brave person that I have been called so many times, I am human,
I’m a bit of a mess, but that’s okay because it only allows me to relate to you all more.