What is it about the term ‘mood swings‘ that makes us believe that the only possible situations in which these occur are during a girls period, pregnancy or if a person is bipolar? I’m just gonna say it, this is not the case.
Even without mental illness, mood swings can get the better of us and have us feeling extremely uncertain about who we are and how we really feel. I am sure most of us have had days where we are just up and down and doing circles with our emotions.
So what happens when your mood swings don’t only last for a day, week or month, they last years? Like two sides of a coin with alternate personalities which you cannot control, they just turn up and all of your morals and ideals, your dreams, they just shift.
When I talk about alternate personality’s, it not to be confused with a split personality and sharing more than one consciousness.
It’s more like, you have an alter ego that shows every few years which is just as real as who you are in the current moment, except you have no idea if you are the alter ego now, does that make sense?
It’s a huge confusion with who you really are, what you really want and how you really feel. How can you understand who you truly are, how can you know your identity, when you just seem to be bouncing between two versions of your own being.
You could spend years building a career, a family and a life that you believe you dreamed of and it feels so right, you are content and there are no regrets. However, one day you may wake up and you suddenly want to run away, travel the world and be so different – it’s suffocating.
The question that hurts is trying to decide which person is the true one, the one that you want and the one that is not just your mental illness trying to make you self-destruct.
For me, I split between two personas of a sort: the domestic and comfortable housewife who is terrified of the world and incredibly shy vs the confident, goal driven and extremely reckless but excited girl who seems to have taken up the most part of my teen years.
Stressful is the only way I can describe it. I’ve dealt with this my whole life and because of this, I still have no idea what I want and I can’t stick to one path.
Imagine having to make a choice but you can’t possibly make it as you know that in a week, you may be an entirely different person. It’s a conflict inside that jumbled mind because it’s impossible to tell if you are relapsing or if you are in recovery.
However, I do want to say that I am not alone in this and more people than you can imagine go through the same thing. So if you can relate, you are not alone and you are not failing, a bad person or messed up, you’re just wired different, like me and that’s ok.
You are perfect the way you are and don’t ever make yourself unhappy because you feel like you have little control of your life, want to know a secret? I’m not sure anyone is really 100% settled with their life.