[TW] Suicidal With A Phobia Of Death

Not long ago, I stood in front of an audience of maybe 100 and declared that I was in fact suicidal. It was part of a speech where I wanted to remove the stigma around suicide and be completely blunt in the fact that suicide can claim anyone as a victim.

To me, I never became suicidal overnight, it was always a part of me, or at least that’s what I remember. I can’t remember ever being high on life or looking too far into the future because I never expected to make it too far into my 20’s.

Suicidal thoughts are just part of my daily routine, I can have a really good day and then suddenly my mood will drop. My lungs will feel like they are being ground with sharp blades and my heart will feel like it’s tied to a heavy brick. I can go from planning an exciting event to thinking “yeah I should just die” in seconds.

Currently, I have no intention of ending my life and part of me is excited about the future, which is a first. I am so content in my life, that I think that maybe I will make it to old age and live this life that is worth every second, even including the memories that hurt. However, I do think that at the right time or moment, or just on a really bad day, if I could die, I would.

There is no trigger, there is no reason, it just happens and if I fall too deep into these thoughts, I can’t control myself, I’m taken over by this primal desire of bloodlust for my own life. The thing is, there is a huge and sad irony to why I am telling you this.

I know, this completely contradicts the above statement but you know what? Just because I am suicidal, it doesn’t mean that I want to die. I can’t really explain why but it’s just so much more complex than that.

I have had this huge ass phobia of death my whole life. I used to have nightmares of death and it would wake me up in fits of tears. I would even think about the process of death, dying and then just stare into this black void; it made me sick to my stomach that this was inevitable. Even now, if I think too much about my own death, it pushes me into a relapse because I can’t control it, I could die anytime and I may have just wasted this short life.

Saying that, I genuinely think this is my issue and maybe others can agree with me. Suicide in some ways is about control. It’s about being able to make one decision in your life because when you live with mental illness, it can feel like you are just a passenger in your body.

I made this pact with myself that I would do everything I can to really live life. I don’t mean going out and getting drunk, I mean exploring the world and doing all of the things that I said I wanted to do but didn’t because I decided I had all the time in the world.

Death isn’t something we can control, we don’t have that power but we can control how we live our lives and what we do with them. The way I see it, death isn’t what really scares us, it’s the thought that we may not have lived despite being living. It’s a horrid thought and I know how bleak this article is but it’s important because we need to stop assuming that time will wait for us.

I see so many people, including myself who have avoided plans or keep postponing their dreams because they don’t have the courage or the time, is not right. Maybe they are not happy but they are settling for less because it’s easier. But life is so fleeting, so why do we confine ourselves and prevent enjoying what time we do have.

If you need to start a new career, do it. If you need to leave a relationship, do it. If you keep putting off that proposal? Go get down on one knee! You get the gist!

Maybe we will get rejected but maybe we won’t. If we keep living in our fears or avoid doing what we love, then really aren’t we just wasting our lives and time? The way I see it, rejection just means we have more time to make a change and find what we need sooner.


 

 

 

 

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