I resent the girl in the mirror.
The hair that falls so thin and parted, teeth that are so utterly British and yellow, with that horrific gap that could crack nuts open – That London Look right? I hate the pale peach skin with freckles and blemishes, it’s never clear and burns through even a window. I hate those bitten, dented and cracked nails, the sagging breasts large, the hip that falls to a slant, encased in stretch marks. The lumps of fat that encase each inch of this neglected body makes me want to vomit.
It doesn’t matter how many beauty fads I will try, granny knickers and knock off teeth whitening, even dieting for months on end; nothing works and can’t seem to take my eyes of this monster that I no longer recognise. How can I make her go away?
I was never pretty, I was always told that, always too ‘defined’ to be attractive, my mother told me I was an ugly baby – I suppose that didn’t change.
I was the kid that played in the dirt rather than shopping, who enjoyed food over makeup. I was never encouraged to be fit and healthy or to look after myself, I suppose I never really cared until I really looked at my reflection, until people made me look.
To be frank, it wasn’t until I was told that I was so ugly and would never be loved that I worried about my appearance.
I dream of being healthy, not even thin. I just want to have teeth that are not as yellow, skin less spotty, hair fuller and just less fat that will inevitably kill me young if I do not rid myself of it.
Those kind of girls who can wake up and be effortlessly beautiful – I want that.
There are days when I refuse to get on the scales, I don’t want to feel like failure. I’ve been trying to beat my binge eating disorder for a while now and though I am doing well, to me, It’s not working fast enough.
If the scale goes up then I want to cry, like I will never get rid of this 5 stone I gained in grief. It’s stressful because it’s not even about being pretty, or I tell myself that anyway.
If the scale goes down, I scold myself for not working hard enough for a bigger loss. I can’t even see any difference in my body even after losing nearly 2 stone.
My husband loves me for who I am, I suppose I need to remember that, but how can I truly believe him or anyone when the person I see in the mirror is the picture of everything that makes me want to hide and never leave the house, I’m so ashamed.
I look like the woman who caused me so much pain, I’m so much like her and it hurts me.
I want to love myself, there are moments when I am all dolled up and I think for a second, hey I’m actually ok. Then it will go before I can believe it and I find all those flaws again, each minuscule flaw. My eyes are practically magnifying glasses.
I ask myself as to why I am so hard on myself, it’s not like I care about others opinions, or do I? I think it all falls down to learnt insecurities.
This year I am on a journey, not to become this beauty icon but to learn to love myself and work with what I have. I am eating better and taking better care of myself, better hygiene and a lot of self-love, after all the sexiest asset is a genuine smile.
Now I do not think a persons worth is determined by their body, not their age or appearance. We are however defined by our mind, our worth is from empathy and kindness.
What is important is learning to love ourselves, to limit that self-doubt and embrace what we have, there is no shame in dying your hair or getting surgery, really that is all your choice but you really need to love yourself, like your inside, your heart and ability to make this world a better place.
If diets make you utterly miserable, then find another way, if exercise makes you want to scream, find something else. Those teeth wont get any whiter if you don’t look after them.
Your physical health will benefit you and your mental health, your appearance will not.
There are many of us who could change ourselves completely, become a new person and still not feel comfortable in our own skin.
Make this year about loving yourself and looking after your health, not about the number on the scale or keeping up with beauty trends.