I’ve not lived an easy life, I’ve suffered many traumatic events that it is so hard for me to feel good about myself or my actions.
On the inside I am still the girl who was called ‘fat’ and ‘ugly’, who people would never give the time of day. I look in the mirror and all I see are my flaws, every spot, blemish and bit of fat, it makes me feel so ill, that anyone calling me attractive just doesn’t register with me.
My husband not so long ago, said that he wished I would stop doubting myself, It was after I had finished my first long manuscript for a YA Fiction, I said I will never get it publish but he believes I will succeed. Yet it’s been three months, 60 emails and this book seems to just be sitting there. I tell myself I can always try again in the future, give it another draft but I just never see my self achieving good things. If I don’t get things accepted or done fast, I fester, it gets worse in the day, telling myself that these things take time, that there is a long response time just drives me up the wall.
I remember my wedding day, I was standing in front of my husband, we were about to walk into our ceremony together and I swore that he would leave me, that he would change his mind, that he thought I looked horrid in my dress and curls. He never once gave me reason to doubt but I did the doubting for him, despite him being the purest soul to walk this earth, you wouldn’t meet a better man, other than my dad.
Self doubt is just always plaguing my mind, telling me to stay in the shadows, be quiet and live a normal life, that I have no place to be anything less than a doormat. It tells me that I am not doing enough, that it’s my fault I can’t stop all these suicides, I’m not superhuman but my mind punishes me for that. My mind seems to always contradict itself, I can never win.
If I make a tweet, I get so scared in the response, sometimes I’ll even delete the tweet out of fear of rejection. I do the same with messages, emails and any form of communication. I tend to repeat things and look for reassurance even when there is nothing wrong, it’s like I am pressing for a reason to be hurt.
If a blog post doesn’t do so well, I’ll blame myself and want to remove it, say that I am not good enough or deserving, that my words help no one, that I am making it worse. If a person doesn’t respond to an email, I’ll swear that I am the problem, that I have annoyed them.
Each thing I create or make, be it writing or whatever, even education, I tell myself to stop dreaming, that I can never achieve my dreams, that I am too stupid to be a poet or earn a living from writing. That my growing following on twitter is no deserved, that how can I really be the voice and friend I promise to be when people are still out alone in the world. I’ll forever just be that pathetic wife who can’t work or earn any money to support her husband.
I was always that kid, you know when the teacher would try to find out who broke the rules, even though I couldn’t be any more innocent, I would automatically feel guilty for whatever the broken said rule is. If I was put on a lie detector, I’d fail just from the anxiety, it’s like if someone says I have done something, even when I haven’t, I’ll just agree with the accuser without thinking.
I am very hard on myself and it is very bad for my mental health, I try to be easier but it’s hard some days. I can’t remember the last time I put my phone down and shut away from the world, I tell my husband that I need to be there for anyone who is struggling, I’ll lose sleep but if anything happened, I’d blame myself.
I always need to be busy and I am always pushing myself to be better, which can be good but it does mean I never get a break and I know that is not healthy but I feel like if I take a break, I’ll be risking a relapse or I could let someone down, which is worse.
I know all my feelings are common for a child of abuse but that doesn’t make the feeling go away, nor does medication help with this, all I know is that therapy should support me but I’m still waiting on that.
I think it is so important to be gentle with your loved ones, be considerate and reassuring, some of us just need a little bit more attention because we’ve spent a life time taking blame for others mistakes.