[TW] When You Have Nowhere To Go

Have you ever been in the situation where you have no where safe to go? I have.

Most of my teen years especially became hard for me because I was never out-of-the-way of drama or arguments, it wasn’t due to me instigating these negative events but for some reason I seemed to have a magnetic pull for anything that would make me miserable.

School, as you may know already, was very hard for me, I was always the new girl and never seemed to be at one single school for too long and I always ended up as the one person in my whole year group who would be bullied.

I don’t know why people gravitated towards bullying me. Regardless of cause, I was always left out of things, ignored and treated like this really terrible person.

I remember a particularly traumatic event, I was 13 and in my drama class. I was sitting and working on a scene to perform with a close friend when she said something that caught me off track, I forgot that I had been holding in a lot of gas and I unintentionally let it all go. No one noticed other than said friend, in which her response was to shout it out and alert the world.

What happened next was that everyone in my class was laughing at me and telling other people in the corridor, I narrowly made it to my next lesson before hyperventilating and running to the toilet in tears, it was like something out of a movie and it was the first time I had a panic attack, I remember the pain so vividly, each breath was like a swallowing a knife.

I tried to find comfort in having an after school club, so I signed up for a canoeing class as I am a total water baby, my friends joined me so I wasn’t alone and for the first time, I was so excited. Alas it wasn’t meant to be as one friend bailed so a foursome became a trio and I was the one to be left out when we had to pair off, to make matters worse my best friend, who was in this class with me, decided to end our friendship. Due to all of this, I lost my one escape.

Now you may be wondering about my home life, surely that was safe? I am sorry to say that home was maybe even worse than school, now I need to be vague here. For me, home was a not a place I wanted to be and I would do anything to avoid it.

For many years my life was like this, I was bullied, unable to do any extra curricular without feeling like it was an extension of school and I couldn’t go home, I didn’t even have a friend that I could find solace with. I really had no safe place to go and I was too scared to ever ask for help as I am terrified of authority.

This post comes because I know that some people can feel alone and feel like they have no safe place. I want this to remind you that I have been there, I’ve never really had friends, not genuine ones and I had a long period where I would try to run away and even attempt at my own life because of my situation. Basically I need you to know that I understand.

I’ve had such a tough life and really it’s almost unfair, however I cannot change these things but I can make the best of a bad situation and help others. I can also stand as an example to show that the universe can shit on you with all its might but you can still survive and come out with a beautiful life.

Keep strong, keep fighting and know you are not alone.

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