You do not need to be thin to have an eating disorder, let’s put that idea to bed.
I have always been a ‘bigger girl’, well at least from the age of 7; I was in teenager clothes before I was 10. I found comfort in food and it gave me satisfaction like no other.
The problem is that I have no will power. I never managed or knew how to limit myself and have portion control, a problem I still have now.
At 16 I lost a lot of weight, I was running every day and eating nothing but ham sandwiches and couscous, the weight just fell off me. It wasn’t healthy, it was compulsive.
I remember feeling my collar and hip bones and feeling so satisfied with myself. However I still saw myself as fat, I was wearing size 12’s when I should have been in a size 8.
I didn’t realise I had a problem until a few years later, I saw a photo of myself on a swing and I said: “is that me?“. I saw a thin girl, a girl I didn’t know, and I had no idea at the time.
I had developed body dysmorphia. I just couldn’t see past my insecurities.
On the flip side, I began to binge after my dad died and I mean heavily binge, I would rampage Poundland and feast on sugar, every day.
Between quitting smoking, and binging, I gained 5 stone over 3 years.
I would try so hard to lose the weight, it’d get hard and I’d have cravings and then I’d just keep binging, usually at night after doing so well in the day.
It was a toxic pattern would lead to health complications.
For a while, I was forcing myself to be sick, I hated exercise but didn’t want to give up food so it seemed like the only way.
Now, I am eating plenty of food but not enough to gain weight, I’m exercising and slowly losing the weight though I am miles off my target.
For years it’s been binging or under eating, no in-between. I’ve never looked in the mirror and saw someone who was thin and pretty, probably due to being told I was fat in my childhood.
I think I’m on the right track and I think my eating disorders are beaten but I do fear they may return, it’s a slippery slope.
If you love my work, please consider supporting me for as little as $2 via my patreon account.