You do not need to be thin to have an eating disorder, let’s put that idea to bed.
I have always been a big girl, well at least from the age of 7; I was in teenager clothes before I was 10. For me I found comfort in food and it gave me a satisfaction like no other.
The problem is I have no will power, I never managed to limit myself and have portion control, a problem I still have now.
At 16 I lost a lot of weight, I was running every day and eating nothing but ham sandwiches and cous cous, the weight just fell off me.
I remember feeling my collar and hip bones and feeling so satisfied with myself. However I still saw myself as fat, I was wearing size 12’s when I should have been in an 8.
I didn’t realise I had a problem until a few years later, I saw a photo of me on a swing and I was like “is that me?” I saw a thin girl and I had no idea at the time. I had clearly developed body dysmorphia. I just couldn’t see past my insecurities.
On the flip side, I began to binge after my dad died and I mean heavily binge, I would rampage Poundland and feast on sugar. Since I had quit smoking, combined with the binging I gained 5 stone over 3 years.
I would try to lose the weight, it’d get hard and I’d have cravings and then I’d just keep binging, usually at night after doing so well in the day. It was a toxic pattern that clearly would lead to health issues.
For a while, I was forcing myself to be sick, I hated exercise but didn’t want to give up food so it seemed like the only way.
Now I am eating plenty of food but not enough to gain weight, I’m exercising and slowly loosing the weight though I am miles off my target.
For years it’s been binging or under eating, I’ve never looked in the mirror and saw someone who was thin and pretty, probably due to being told I was fat in my childhood.
I think I’m on the right track and I think my eating disorders are beaten but I do fear they may return, it’s a slippery slope.